The Body Image Series - Part 4: CrossFit

From the moment I finished my trial session, I was hooked. The atmosphere was buzzing; these people were badass; the training was new and exciting; and there were no mirrors for people to constantly obsess over their pump. This was different to a commercial gym.

What I now realise, however, 2 years into the sport, is that every sport comes with it’s own new struggles around body image, its own perceived norms. I now feel that, at the comps I go to, I’m the odd one out if I’m not 10% body fat with huge, well-defined muscles and boasting the latest booty shorts. Self-comparison is rife within the CrossFit community. Everyone follows each other on social media. Our timelines are filled with lifting posts, and the plate counters are everywhere. Everyone sees the highlights. Everyone keeps an eye on each other's progress. It’s so easy to fall into that trap and I am thankful that one of my first competitive experiences within CrossFit taught me that there’s more to it than that.

The Battle for Middle Ground Lone Wolves event in 2019 was my second individual competition, just over a year after starting CrossFit. By some absurd miracle at the time, I’d qualified in the Elite female division which was a total shock to me. So I rocked up, already daunted at the thought of being called ‘elite’, and was confronted with hundreds of women in incredible shape. It took everything I had not to freak out and feel even more out of my depth. Over the course of the competition, I realised that half the women I had been intimidated by, weren’t in the elite category. Lightbulb moment one for me, that someone’s aesthetic doesn’t directly equal performance. I started the competition well, going into day 2 in the lead, but that didn’t make me feel any less out of place. I didn’t really feel that I looked like a CrossFit competitor. I was head to toe in either Nike or Lululemon, not a single ‘real’ CrossFit brand to be seen, and I hadn’t taken my top off all weekend. But somehow, my winning streak continued through day 2, and I ended up topping the podium. I literally couldn’t believe things had worked out so well. Somehow, I had managed to beat all of these incredible athletes, even with all my own body hang-ups and uncertainties. Lightbulb moment two that a certain aesthetic doesn’t equal performance. Now, that’s not to take away anything from these women, but it demonstrated to me, so distinctly, that if performance was my main focus, my body fat percentage shouldn’t occupy so much of my thought. I don’t have to look a certain way in order to perform. It’s not a causation. I was also comparing my ‘1-year into CrossFit’ body, with these other women who’d been doing it much longer. We’re all at our own stage of our journey. We have no idea of others’ context, or the struggles we’ve had to grow through.

The Elite female elimination final at BFMG, 2019. That atmosphere!

I’d love to say that that was the complete switch for my relationship with my body. It was an eye-opener. Yes. Especially when it came to my potential in the sport. Looking like the rest of these women wasn’t the be-all-and-end-all. But the truth is I do still struggle. And it’s very situational. I feel increasingly confident in my body when I’m in athletic situations: in gyms; at the box; in my training kit. But unfortunately, the role of social norms still has a massive impact on me, and I do sometimes feel uncomfortable in my body when I’m not in these environments. If I go on a night out, I am incredibly aware of the fact that my arms are twice the size of the woman next to me, or that my quads are double that of most guys.I feel big every time I order something in my normal size and it doesn’t fit, or a dress doesn’t close across my back. I’ve got to the stage of trying to laugh it off. These companies don’t have a standardised sizing system and a 10/12 in one shop is not the same as another. But that doesn’t mean I don’t notice it. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t have to suppress the voice in my head telling me that “I’m too big”.

PB snatch feels at Strength in Depth Origins, 2019

It’s very much a work in progress. But I always have to remember what I draw back to and what is important for me. My body is an instrument and not an ornament. We weren’t put on this Earth to look a certain way, or be the object of others. I want to perform well. That is my focus right now. If that is happening, the rest is secondary. I’m not going to let an obsession with being lean take over my love of training. I’m not going to let the way I might want to look in one specific situation, take over my happiness in the place I occupy most of my time. That makes no sense to me. More often than not now, I look in the mirror and flex instead of pinch. The calluses on my hands and the blisters on my wrists are a sign of the hours of training I’ve put into the pursuit of a goal. Being called ‘stacked’ or a ‘big bitch’ (in an affectionate sense) is no longer something that makes me wince and rush to the stairmaster. It’s something I take pride in. It’s a sign of the hard work that I’ve put in my with training. And I’ve had to come through a lot of my own battles to even feel remotely comfortable. I’m proud of that.

I realise that everyone has their own experience with body image and body confidence, so this series wasn’t meant to be a ‘how to’ on repairing your relationship with your body. But I hope that something in here resonates with you and you can take something away from my experiences.

Thanks for reading, and stay safe.

Luce xoxo