So, my first blog post…and hopefully the start of a long enduring relationship with my keyboard. What better way to get to know me than to start with possibly my most vulnerable struggle: body image. The Body Image Series will be focused on my body image journey through sport and guided by my transitions from gymnastics, to swimming, to hockey, and finally, finding CrossFit. It will cover the influence that each of these sports and their relative norms have had on my perception of body image and body confidence.
Unfortunately, the majority of people that I talk to have their own story about their battle with body image, so in this series, my goal is not to help mend relationships with body image, but for you to find something in my story that resonates with you. Understanding our relationship with body image comes with understanding how our own lives have influenced the way we see ourselves. Mine has largely been influenced by sport. So if you want to come on this journey with me, let’s start from the beginning.
Gymnastics: my first love.
I was a gymnast from as young as I can remember. That means I spent most of my childhood in a leotard. And when I say most of my childhood, I really mean it. I joined my club’s performance pathway as a 5-year-old and was training close to 20 hours a week until I quit at aged 12. There were some inherent things about the sport gymnastics that brought body image to the forefront, and some things that more explicitly influenced it. I trained with a group of other young, aspiring gymnasts. There were none in our group that were there to ‘just have fun’. We absolutely did and had a great sense of camaraderie, but that wasn’t the focus. We were a determined group of young gymnasts. Our common goal was to get to the national championships in our respective categories, so we were all in great shape. I’m talking, 6-packs on 8-year-olds, visible lean muscle, skills at that age that I see CrossFit athletes desperately working to achieve (side note: I was rubbish at press to handstands then, and 40kg heavier, I’m even more hopeless at them now).
Level 5 South Regional Championships, 2005
The tendency to compare was easy, and to question if things would be different if you were a little lighter, a little leaner. Even typing this I feel stupid, and a bit annoyed that from the age of 8-12 years old, I was questioning my body, questioning my weight, even whilst it was doing these amazing things and putting up with the intense training schedule. I was one of the best in that squad at the time, as only the second athlete from our club to make the national championships and the first to win the regional championships. Yet there I was, wondering if I could be better by comparing myself to, to put it bluntly, less successful athletes. Absolute madness. I was lean and strong. But I felt big. And this problem was only exacerbated when I got a new coach.
County Championships, 2007
This new coach brought with her a daughter who a similar age to me, and a long leggy gymnast; the lean dancer type. So, you can imagine the issues it caused when she used to call her fat in front of us all. I’d stand next to her, with bulkier quads – I’ve always been ‘bottom heavy’ – and think “well if that’s what she’s saying to her, I must be huge”. I got to the stage of not wanting to be spotted (helped) on a new movement because I thought I was so heavy that the coach would be able to lift me, so naturally my progression stalled. We were encouraged to diet in the run up to competitions so we were a little lighter and could perform our movements more easily; a practice we willingly took part in as ambitious gymnasts, but that now, knowing what I know about the development of our relationship with food, I recognise to be a dangerous practice with such young athletes. It also perpetuates the common misconception in sport that lighter = better performance. But that can come in another blog post. I went from being completely comfortable in a leotard, to always training in gymnastics shorts and a baggy top. In the end, my negative perceptions of my body image (admittedly combined with the harsh realisation that I didn’t have what it would take to get to the Olympics) brought into question my future in the sport. I was so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to put myself in that environment anymore. So, I quit.
And what is the next logical sport for someone struggling with body image? Yup, swimming. Hold out for part 2...
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