So it turns out… I’m not as distanced from my athletic identity as I’d like to think. Great!
For the last 12 weeks, my training has been hugely disrupted by a disc compression in my lower spine. If lockdown wasn’t overwhelming enough, lockdown, loss of income streams, uncertainties caused by remarks from a certain high-profile ex-owner (see previous blog post), and injury will really do it to you. I can honestly say; this is the most that my psychological robustness has been challenged. It’s the first time I’ve ever just sat on the sofa and cried the whole day, or teared up in front of people when they ask me how I’m doing.
If I’m completely honest with myself, I have been injured for a lot longer than I care to admit. I definitely noticed the signs creeping in back in December. I’d finish my lifting portion of the session and have GHD back extensions programmed, or a kipping movement in the next part of the session and I couldn’t do them. My back would lock up and in that position of anterior pelvic tilt (aka. sticking my butt out), I’d feel a sharp pain across my lower back; but then I’d give it a while and it would ease off. So, I’d carry on and finish the session because I could; but also because I’m stupid. And now I’m paying the price.
On the advice of medical professionals, I’ve not been kipping or lifting properly for the last 12 weeks. So strict gymnastics, bodybuilding, and unloaded metcon pieces it is. I tell myself that it’s okay, that I’ve always needed to work on my strict gymnastics. I suck at strict pull ups. Let me kip dammit! But I haven’t seen the improvement in my pull ups that I want to. My progress absolutely has not been linear. I know that I tend to focus on the things I need to work on, constantly (damn perfectionism). So, I overlook the fact that I now can do a strict ring muscle up with more consistency than previously, and even got my first double during lockdown, or the fact that I’ve never done more than a single peg movement on the peg board, and now I can make it to the top (and back down…no one tells you that’s the harder part!). I cast that aside because of my battle with pull ups. But also because now is a constant balancing act with other potential injuries from overdoing the few movements I can do.
Training gives me a sense of purpose, a sense of achievement. And I’ve said before that I feel like I’ve got a future in this sport. That’s why I dedicate everything to it. But as much as I love coaching, and I do, genuinely love helping others achieve their goals, I started coaching in order to live a lifestyle as close to that of a full-time athlete as possible. I fell into PTing at PureGym to earn some money during my masters. At the time, I saw it as a temporary solution rather than a career. But now I’m injured, and I can’t train properly. So my head tells me I’m failing, that I’m not enough, not doing enough with my life. Because I can’t train as I should be, why do I still coach? Do I love it enough to get me through this injury? To give me purpose whilst I keep my body ticking over and healing? Why aren’t I using my MSc in Sport Psychology that I spent 2 years working for? Luckily, because I like to think I’m quite self-aware, I can realise that I’m not a ‘failure’. But I feel like my body has let me down, and I’m disappointed and I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated that I feel like I’m doing what I can to attempt to stay sane and let my body heal, but I don’t feel like my body is doing its part in that. My back progress is painfully slow, and it’s frustrating.
What does this tell me? My identity is too volatile and dependent on my ability to train; my life is too closely linked to CrossFit right now; my social circle is too homogeneous. There are benefits to identifying so closely to the sport (see “Lucy: the swimmer”). I’m focused, competitive, it gives me a source of self-esteem, and it helps me battle my body image issues, but when the sport goes, where do I get these feelings from? What else in my life gives me that sense of achievement? For whatever reason, I have it in my head that I can’t have a successful career and be a successful athlete. There are too many names in the game who can prove that wrong – Pat Vellner and Brent Fikowski being two notable ones, who I’ve always admired for this reason. I was a straight A student whilst I was training for swimming. It’s like I’ve got amnesia that that ever happened and now I can only do one or the other. I know for a fact that’s not the case, and I know that the balance in my life helps me. It helps my focus and time management, and my sanity. You can’t let a bad session put you in a bad mood for the rest of the day when you have other things to fill your time and focus on.
So, what am I going to do about it? Take action:
Explore the options
This doesn’t mean to say that I’m jumping ship straight away, but it makes me feel less trapped doing what I’m doing currently and that I can progress as and when I want to. I’ve always been interested in working in elite sport, and in athlete wellbeing and performance lifestyle, since my first meeting with a TASS supervisor when I was 15. There’s nothing stopping me from pursuing it.
Look on LinkedIn for jobs that relate to athlete wellbeing, performance lifestyle, or athlete transitions.
Plan
Find out what qualifications I need to apply for one of these roles, and when applications tend to be most popular. For instance, many people move on from their current roles in elite sport after an Olympic cycle.
Do I know anyone who currently works in elite sport? What connections do I have to the highly competitive world of elite sport?
Reorganise my CV. What experiences and qualifications do I have to be working in elite sport? Why would I stand out from the crowd? Be the best for the job?
How can I gain more experience to make myself more appealing to potential employers?
Take the leap
Book the qualifications
Talk to the people
Start the process
Things won’t change overnight. My current lifestyle won’t change overnight, and I don't want it to. But I am going to put things in place so that I know they’re there when I make the decision to change. So that’s what I’m about to do. I’ll keep you updated.
Until then, stay safe.
Lucy xo